The struggle for hope is real for me sometimes. I know all of it in my head. I know God knows me. I know He knows my heart, my loneliness, my desires, my situation. I know that I am okay in His eternal perspective. I know that He is leading and guiding my life. I have felt so much and been comforted so many times. He has given me reassurances and moments of spiritual knowing of future things in my life. I have felt all of it and I know all of it. BUT … feeling hope in my heart, still, is hard to do sometimes. Sometimes, I feel nothing. Just numb and tired. I know I should feel gratitude and joy in the blessings I have, and usually I can bring myself around to that, but sometimes the sadness and despair is just there. That is what’s real. My heart breaks at not going to my own school’s football game because I have no companion to go with. I want to be there, but I won’t go alone, and sometimes going with friends makes me feel even more alone, if that makes sense, so I choose to stay home. I want to live life now, but I just don’t know how on my own. I wasn’t made for this.
Divorce is such a heartbreaking event. But when I think of that, I realize, so is the wrong marriage. There is no winning in either of them. There is God’s way only that brings real happiness. And divorce is not God’s way. Nor is the wrong marriage. I sorta feel stuck sometimes; in a place where all I can do is be my best self and patiently wait for a loving, merciful, all knowing God to lead me thru the mess. I plead with Him to lead me. I am His. I might not always be able to feel hope alive in my heart, but I CAN hold the course knowing God is there.
Still (and forever) grateful.
