Spinning. That’s how I am left every time, spinning. It just happens, and I can’t do a thing about it. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love it. I love the way it feels. It’s full and complete, happy on a level I can barely comprehend, undeniable. It feels so right, so hopeful and I never get enough of it. It lasts for days, and I love it.
I’ve pondered it often, for years. Tried to pick it apart. Tried to find explanation and understanding. I still don’t have any. I know it’s not just me, though, that it’s not just in my head, it’s an experience created beyond me, not something I could create alone. I don’t know why it happens. I don’t know how it happens. I don’t know if it has meaning or if it’s just nonsense, if it’s potential or not. Here’s what I do know, though …
It’s a distraction. When I am left spinning and can’t act on it, can’t do anything about it, it becomes a distraction in my life. I don’t believe it would be a distraction if I were able to do something about it, then it would be a motivation (which is probably why I usually try to do something about it), but in its current context, it’s a distraction. I can’t do anything with it.
During one of my more recent visits to the temple the idea of distractions occurred to me. I felt like it was important that I learned to identify the distractions in my life, become aware of them and be able to see them for what they are. They aren’t as simple to identify as you would think, and some are things that make me happy, like spinning, but are consuming and not constructive just the same. So I am seeing this, calling it out.
For years, I have felt like the Lord has been wanting me to learn patience. We have been working on it together for a very long time, He and I. I’ve known it all along that I am supposed to be patient, but knowing it doesn’t make it easier for me to do. It is still hard, and I am not a patient person, I want things when I want them, but … I do feel like I am finally learning it, I think.
Being able to see the distraction in spinning helps me be able to step away from it and patiently wait. I am learning that in patience, there is greater hope, greater faith, and greater happiness. There is a promise associated with learning patience and I believe in that promise. I believe that God knows me better than I know myself. I believe that He sees my life and needs better than I see them myself. I believe that He loves me and wants for me all that I can become. I believe that His love is pure and true. And because I believe, I will patiently wait.
Forever grateful!
