While going through some difficult times in life a few years ago, I had made the extra efforts to commit myself to reading from the Book of Mormon and pray from my knees every single day. I knew I dearly needed these things in my life at the time and had to make efforts to hang on to them. So I set goals for myself and committed to them. I did this for over two years.
After those couple of years, circumstances in life changed for me and I was feeling more at peace. I continued to force myself to read and pray as I had been doing because I said I would, but it began feeling forced and I was losing the spirit of it all. This bothered me. I wanted to read and study and pray because I wanted to, not because I had to.
So I took it to the Lord. I explained my feelings and desires. I explained how life had changed for me (even tho I know He already knew and understood this). And then I very timidly asked Him if it was okay if I released myself from the commitment I had made to myself. It was kind of scary to do this because I didn’t want to offend the Lord. I still very much needed and wanted His hand in my life, but I wanted to choose it.
The peace I immediately felt was indescribable. I knew He loved me in that very moment. I knew it because I felt it. I felt it in His acceptance of my agency. He loves us so much that He is willing to let us choose even when it is scary.
My choice to read and pray according to my desires could have meant that I went extended periods of time without doing either. It could have meant that I struggled spiritually, that I moved away from the Lord instead of closer to Him, and at times, in certain ways, this was true, I did struggle – I do struggle. But what I take away from this experience is a deep love for my Heavenly Father who loves me enough to allow me to choose for myself. His love is real. It is kind and gentle. I know that and will forever be grateful for it.
Recently I chose to recommit myself to reading from the Book or Mormon and saying my prayers every morning before I leave my bed. I had been reading and praying on a regular basis but often times it was at the end of the day when my brain was shot. I just wasn’t getting what I really wanted out of it all. I was tired of being too tired, so I committed to reading and studying in the morning. This has been so much more functional for me.
I am so grateful that any way I want to go, I get to choose it. I don’t always make the best choices, but I love that my Heavenly Father loves me just the same no matter what and let’s me choose for myself and allows me the space and time to learn and grow from my choices.
That is His love.
Forever grateful!
