Why does it hurt so much still? That is the question that keeps circling in my mind.
I know that God has a plan for me. I know He knows me, that He knows my heart etc. I know that He is aware of me. I know that I have been guided to this point in my life by Him. I know that I needed to get divorced, that I did the right thing. I know that God accepted my efforts in my marriage. I know that I opened a door of growth for my entire family. I know that I have worked hard to make life as stable as possible for my kids. I know what love is, real love. I know what marriage is according to God’s law and design. I want all of that, my heart is pure in that regard and I know that God knows this.
So given all of this knowledge that I have … why do I have moments where it all still hurts so much? I fight them, resist thinking I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But maybe it’s okay to just hurt sometimes. Maybe it’s okay. Maybe I need to be more patient and meek and lowly of heart and just let myself hurt. Maybe it’s okay.
I watched this video the church put out about divorce. It was in their video section on the library app, and I had seen it a couple of years ago when I was first working through divorce. It was so powerful for me then. It testified of the love and happiness that we all deserve to have in a marriage. It was so refreshing to see church material that seemed to understand what I was going through. That video and a couple of talks (Pres. Uchtdorf, “Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear” and Jeffrey R. Holland’s BYU speech “How Do I Love Thee?”) were beacons of light for me in a very dark time. Like I said above, it still hurts at times, and I don’t have all of the answers, but I know God loves me and that I am on the path intended for my greatest potential.
Forever grateful.
