I tried sitting down and watching a movie tonight, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to, and I tried, but couldn’t. After a full day of activities, and after the cleaning up Christmas once the kids had gone to their dad’s house, I really wanted to just sit down and chill and let my mind escape to somewhere else. But the lonely of watching a movie by myself was just too much. I couldn’t do it. I started it and watched for about 15 minutes, then turned it off and just went to bed. I know I need the sleep anyway. But I couldn’t sleep either. So I lied in bed and let it all digest. The thoughts churned in my mind and the battle between feeling sorry for myself and finding gratitude ensued. I could break down and cry, which I did a little, or I could recall an amazing Christmas with my kids and simply be grateful, which I also did.
A million things go through my head while processing my options. I recall talks and scriptures, “The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?” And Job’s suffering and humility. The talk about waiting upon the Lord comes to mind. They remind me that my suffering is small in the grand scheme of things and that I can endure. Thoughts of precious moments throughout the day with my kids also fill my mind and my heart swells with love. Yes, I feel loneliness that is overwhelming at times. I am completely, 100% over it and am determined to actively do my part in healing it, but through all of this, I am learning just how much I really can choose my thoughts. My emotions tonight wanted me to crumble, to sulk in self pity, to focus on the small, itty bitty part of my life that doesn’t feel right and let it overcome me. There is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions, with recognizing they are there and giving awareness to them, and for sure, feelings should not be suppressed or ignored – that’s not healthy either. But allowing them to take away the reasoning of gratitude and blessings I know I have isn’t okay. Living by gratitude is a choice, one that I continue to practice. So here are my grateful thoughts of the day:
The best part of Christmas by far was when it came time to open gifts, my kids didn’t run to the biggest gifts under the tree, but instead picked up the gifts they bought each other to open first. Eddie came to the tree and took his gift that he bought Sidney and took it to her to open first. He was so excited to give it to her. It was some candy and a mug that had cats on it and said, “Cat person.” Sidney laughed and thought it was so cute. Then I noticed that the other kids were also gathering up their gifts for each other. This year I decided to have the kids draw names for each other, then we all went to the store together. I handed out some cash to each kid and gave them 30 minutes to shop for that person. After checking out, we all met at the front of the store and headed home to wrap the gifts. My kids loved doing this, and I will be keeping it as a tradition from now on.
During the day, I took the kids to the gym to play basketball and/or soccer. While there, Eddie, only 7 years old, spent the entire 1.5 hours trying to drop kick his soccer ball from half court into the basketball hoop. His determination inspires me. He kept trying and trying and trying. He shot over 200 times and came close but didn’t make it. He was soooo upset when I told him we needed to go home and get some lunch. I promised him I would bring him back later to try again. I figured he would forget about going back or just change his mind, but he didn’t. I took him back later and he made the shot within 10 minutes. It really was so super cool, and I loved that he kept trying.
Christmas day was a really great day. I love the time I get to spend with all of my kiddos! I am so grateful that I was able to reason my way through the loneliness of the evening to choose more grateful thoughts. I know the Lord wants us to be happy, even during our difficult moments. That doesn’t mean a fake happy, but more of seeing and acknowledging the many things to be grateful for.
Forever grateful!
