Something happened this morning that was really interesting. So I had another “episode” if you will (back story is that I had a mini stroke on Wednesday morning and my brain is trying to recover, but I’m sure I will share more about that another time when I am ready) where I couldn’t remember some stuff. Obviously, a different part of my brain was being affected by the clots etc than the part that manages my vision and balance like originally. I got really emotional and confused and my daughter had to explain to me that I had had a stroke and was still recovering etc because I suddenly couldn’t really remember all of what had happened, so today has been a bit of a fog for me. For example, I know my bishop called me this morning, and I know I talked to him, but I can’t remember anything he said, except for, “The church is true.” That is all I can recall of the conversation; no details. It’s been interesting, though, because with that forgetfulness, has come so much peace. I can’t recall things so everything is just a blissful state of peace. It’s almost like I just live in the moment because I can’t recall the past, if that makes sense. It’s sort of euphoric in a sense.
I’m assuming that at some point, that part of me will come back and I will recall the past just fine, but for now, it has made me realize that I want peace in my life always, and that life is just too short for hate or anger or anything else that is negative. I’m not meant to hate, I can tell that much about myself. I don’t know if it is wrong for me to say this, but if I was able to stay in this forgetful of negative things state forever, I think I would. I think it is what it feels like when we completely forgive others. For example, I know that normally I would not talk to my exhusband for some reason, but today I sat by him at Eddie’s football game and visiting with him in a normal way. I can’t remember the hate I had for him. I know it was there, but I just can’t feel it today. And that’s true of everything in my life right now. It’s really hard to explain, but maybe it is an interesting blessing in disguise? Maybe that hate will never come back? It makes me realize that I hate hate and never want to feel it ever again. It is not okay, and it is not from God. We should never feel that way about anyone. I hope hope hope I can hold on to this forever. I never want to feel hate again.
Forever grateful for blessings in disguise, even if they are momentary … but I hope not. I can choose, right?
