I have been deeply unsettled the last couple of weeks, and although I have had many things going on in my life to use as excuses for the anxiousness, identifying each of them still hasn’t brought me peace. I spent a lot of time today pondering and praying for the Lord to help me identify the root of my unsettled heart, and as I drove out to The Hill to walk and watch the sunset, it hit me … I needed to know the truth.
It is so easy to justify actions. We, as the “natural man,” do it without even knowing it. We can lie to ourselves and others so easily. Sometimes it is of omission, and sometimes it is out of the dissonance in the way we live our lives. I hadn’t yet asked Heavenly Father what was real and what was my fault; for what do I need to take responsibility? Have I been deceived? If so, where and to what extent? And what do I do about all of it? This was the truth I needed to know. I have to face what is real.
Realizing this, almost immediately my heart filled with love and remembrance of a time where I was shown hope in a way that I still can’t quite comprehend other than understanding its brightness. It was like having a layer peeled back to see more clearly what was really going on inside.
I still don’t have all of the answers, tho – I’m just not sure. It’s the ongoing battle between the Spirit of things versus the mind of things. They don’t always add up, which concerns me. But at the same time, there are so many examples in the scriptures where they don’t add up either, and all were for the Lord’s wise purposes. I don’t know what is justification and what is not. What I do know is the Spirit of it all. Why did I feel so deeply the need to approach the Lord in repentance today, not really even knowing what I needed to repent of? Because I need peace. And peace is found in honesty with the Lord. I have to be willing to see what is real and deal with the consequences of that. The Lord hasn’t revealed all of the truth to me right now; I need to keep seeking it and pondering, but for now, I’ll keep looking at my faults and try to find resolve in them. I know some of my actions weren’t right, but I also know that some were.
Before I headed out the door to go on my walk, I asked the Lord to guide me to listen to whatever talk or book etc that would help me find the words and message that would touch my heart and help me identify my troubles. I started listening to a compilation from President Spencer W. Kimball. I chose a section called Love or Lust expecting to hear a talk that discussed the difference between the two, but instead, what I got was a lecture about words and how they can hurt people. Interesting.
I don’t have all the answers, but I know that acting out in anger is wrong, even with excuses. I know that I need to see and accept the truth and deal with the consequences of my fault in things. I need to pray and ask Heavenly Father to show me what is real in all of it and follow His guidance from here.
Forever grateful to get to keep trying.
