I watched as she scooped the little guy up and snuggled him in her lap. He nuzzled his head into her chest, his feet dangling over the side of her legs, and they simply sat quietly together for a few minutes. She loved children, that was easy to see. He smiled at her, then crawled down and toddled off to his parents.
“I want to be like Alexa,” I can recall noting to myself.
Kind, gentle, sweet, sincere, patient, mentally and emotionally available to people, loves kids, loves God, works to know God, great teacher, smart, happy, laughs easily, has a good sense of humor, graceful. That is what I could see in her. So, imagine my surprise when later that day I was included in a group text from her apologizing for her poor attitude in the day. I was puzzled. In fact, I had to think really hard to figure out just what she was referring to.
We had been in a meeting together earlier that day and she had, oh so slightly, expressed some frustration with the amount of demands that had recently been placed upon her. I would have never called it complaining, not even close. That must have been what she was talking about, though. In that same meeting, I expressed my frustrations of feeling like I wasn’t doing enough to help out and could easily do more.
I decided to text her back, sharing my notes about wanting to be like her. I was hoping it would offer her some peace that she was overreacting, letting her know that I recognized her efforts and found her inspiring. Imagine my surprise, again, when she responded with, “That’s funny. While driving home from that meeting I told my husband, ‘Why can’t I be more like Shaleah?'”
I look at her and see things I want to become. She looks at me and sees things she wants to become. A comparison, true. But a healthy one, built on a desire to become better. All too often, however, that comparison is unrealistic and damaging. Theodore Roosevelt is known to have said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” How would that experience have been changed if my comparison of myself to Alexa went like this:
“She is nicer than me. She is way more patient that me. She is sweeter to children than me. People like her more than they do me. She is a better person than me.”
Ouch, right? Quite the contrast. I’m pretty much making all of the same claims and observations as my original comparison, but all of a sudden she has become my enemy. I now dislike and resent her, because she is making me feel bad about myself. My joy has gone.
In an article written by Daniela Tempesta, LCSW, she claims, “Research has found that comparing breeds feelings of envy, low self-confidence, and depression, as well as compromises our ability to trust others.” It’s no wonder that comparison is the thief of joy.
Here is a compiled list (paraphrased in my own words), taken from the above mentioned article and an article from Psychology Today, written by Deborah Carr, Ph.D., of why we should stop comparing ourselves to others:
- The comparison is based on inaccurate information. We don’t always see the whole truth of someone’s situation.
- It’s damaging to our sense of self.
- Life, sometimes, just isn’t fair. Some people are just set up different, having a quicker metabolism, for example.
- It makes us dislike each other.
- It is nonproductive. The feelings we experience when we compare ourselves to others in an unhealthy way actually depletes our motivation to be productive.
I don’t know about you, but that’s reason enough for me. How about we stop comparing ourselves to each other and simply allow ourselves to be who we are? In fact, how about we actually embrace the differences in each other and find joy in them? Now, there’s an idea! Thank you, Alexa, for not being like me!