WARNING: I may be wrong. I am only human 😉
I am one who often crosses the “strait and narrow” path. I don’t usually wander far from it, but I can’t seem to stay right on it either. For this reason, I find myself in a daily repentance cycle. It’s a good thing, it really is, but it is a hard thing too. Here’s what I’m working on:
Priorities. Boundaries. And Goals. I need to set all of them and get very specific about them.
1. God – Prayer, Scripture Study, Journaling/writing, Temple, Service.
2. Mommy Duties – Make sure kids know they are loved no matter what, Spiritual Teaching, Reading with kids, chill time with conversations with kids, laughing together, learning healthy habits, homework, sports/talents.
3. Other – Magnify my callings. Serve my children and family. Learn the most I can for work and future work. Continue learning in personal interests. Laugh often. Choose peace and surrender. Be a boss in personal fitness. Be kind and gentle. Have a soft heart.
This is incomplete as far as goal setting goes etc, but it helps me get things straight in my head. I need that focus to be able to recommit myself in my daily repentance. I allow the chaos in my life to take over and I get lost in it all. Then, at the end of the day, I find myself asking for forgiveness for the same old things over and over again. It gets discouraging. It gets straight up exhausting. Failure over and over again for the same things beats me up.
In this worn down state, this exhaustion, this is where Satan lurks. He likes to twist my mind at this point into convincing myself that, because I have to keep trying and can’t reach my end goal right away, that I am not worthy of God’s love and forgiveness. How annoying, right? To have to ask for God’s forgiveness again?! God must be annoyed with this. I certainly am. This is what Satan wants me to believe.
THIS IS A TRAP!!! I know it. The God I know would NEVER feel that I wasn’t worthy of His love and forgiveness. I know that. But just because I know that with the mind , doesn’t mean I don’t feel and struggle with it emotionally and mentally. When I feel this way about the repentance process, I know I am in the wrong mindset. I have to change my perspective.
If I look at repentance with the mindset that it is a journey instead of an end goal, I can then begin to see the many things I am learning on the journey, and the frustrations that Satan so loves to feed me subside. God’s love for me and my growth manifest themselves through this mindset.
In the journey of repentance, I can see that I am learning about patience (so hard for me ha ha). I get to witness the patience God has with me and my growth, and from it, I learn about having and allowing patience with myself and others. I need to learn to love others and myself the way He does. This requires patience.
In the journey of repentance, I can see my humility growing by leaps and bounds. My pride can’t stand up to the many failures I’ve had and continue to have and the just as many re-attempts God wholeheartedly offers me. My heart breaks (in the good way) every time He welcomes me back and gently encourages me to continue trying.
In the journey of repentance, I am learning to give my heart and commitment completely to something/someone over and over again, even with the sting of failures and rejections. This is growth for me.
My love and reverence for God grows so deeply as I go through a daily repentance process over and over again. I don’t know for sure, but maybe this is what was meant by the Lord in Ether 12:27?
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
