I think way too much … about everything. I also try way too hard with everything. I just need to stop. In my recent studies on faith and repentance, and forgiveness, and agency, and trust, and the atonement … I realize that sometimes I just need to get out of the Lord’s way and let things be. Every day I pray to be my best, to prepare myself in the best way possible, to be guided and directed to the people who should be in my life and me in theirs. I constantly seek His counsel and guidance and make daily efforts to be aware of The Spirit in my life. I dedicate time to scripture study every day. I listen to conference talks every day. I write in my journal every day. So why then do I feel like I need to force things in my life? Why can’t I just trust that the Lord has got this and knows what is best for me? I know that He does. So why does it scare me so much? I don’t know why it is so hard to let go of things that I thought were supposed to be when it seems that over and over again all of the forces in the universe compile against it. …
I wrote that above paragraph weeks ago. I can’t help but smile at it as I review it tonight. There is peace in letting go. Recently I studied the story of Abraham and Isaac in search of the wrestle that Abraham must have had within himself as he prepared to do as the Lord asked of him. It couldn’t have been easy for him. The scriptures are dry and emotionless to the situation, not letting on to any of the struggle Abraham experienced. Instead, the scriptures directly related that Abraham prepared and went to do as the Lord had asked of him. They don’t relate anything to questions that Abraham may have had. They don’t tell of the emotional heartache he felt, the despair and confusion at sacrificing his only son, the son through which God had promised Abraham countless posterity. That had to have been so confusing to Abraham! But the scriptures don’t say it was.
As I pondered all of this the other night, I wondered if I would be as obedient to the Lord’s direction as Abraham was. Of course I want to say yes, because I want to be, but I know better about myself. Then I realized that often my problem isn’t obeying as much as it is knowing what the Lord really wants me to do. Sometimes it is a listening problem, or probably more likely, a hearing problem. Or, even more likely, it could be a seeking problem. This chain of contemplation directed me to a recent decision I had made. Was it right? Was it what Heavenly Father really wanted me to do? Not being able to see the future impact of my actions is a really scary thing for me, so I have to rely on the peace it brings into my heart. I suppose that is the confirmation of the Lord’s wisdom guiding my path – the peace I feel even though I can’t see any of the answers.
Forever grateful!
