I have no idea what my future holds. I have to remind myself that it is in His hands and that I chose this. I chose knowing there were no guarantees. No guarantees of any resolve. He stood by me and held on to me when I couldn’t hold on to Him, like I asked. Some days the weight of it all is crushing and I wonder at my sanity in it. Is there something wrong with me? The loneliness makes me crumble and want to hide. Some days I am barely hanging on to everything by a thread. For His forgiveness I repeatedly ask of my weakness, the lonely, the sad, the not being able to get over myself enough to be what I know I should be. I need His help to become.
But even in it all, still, I know that I am grateful. I can’t see ahead to what the Lord sees. I can only hope that I am enough to be what He needs me to be.
I don’t have answers for the loneliness, or for the exhaustion, but I do know that I sincerely love my Savior, Jesus Christ. I love Him for his humility. I love Him for His strength and will power. I love Him for His obedience. I love Him for His willingness to suffer for me in my weakness and stupidity. I love Him for His patience and forgiveness that He offers me over and over and over again. I love Him for His peace and calm. I love Him for His example. I am so far from being perfect, but I am so grateful for the example He has given me to take my baby steps towards being better.
Forever grateful.
