I know I need to cry, but I don’t know why and just can’t seem to. I know I need to repent, but I don’t know from what. I know I need peace, but I don’t know why I’m unsettled in the first place. Something is just off and I can’t quite seem to get myself to care. I hate this feeling. I never win this battle. It’s exhausting and frustrating and I know I need to drag my butt back through repentance, but I get tired of doing it. I get tired of having to surrender my heart to all things painful. I get tired of waiting on the Lord. I get tired of stressing other people’s feelings. I just get tired.
THREE DAYS LATER … (said in the Sponge Bob narrator voice)
While in prayer just now, I realized what I needed to repent of… losing faith and hope.
Sometimes my vision is so near sighted. I only see what is right now, and sometimes, that can be a defeating sight. It is easy to lose hope. It is easy to remember what I see and want for myself in the long run but feel I will never get there. It is easy to feel small and broken, to feel like a failure. It is easy to lose hope. But throughout my life, and in many recent incidences, the Lord has blessed me with knowledge, with confirmations of hope. I don’t always know the details of His plan, but I DO know Him and trust His love for me. I know that what I want for myself aligns with His standards and spirit. I know that it is a righteous desire and I have been promised that my righteous desires will be granted unto me, so … why should I lose faith? Why should I lose hope? My mind is so small. His is so great. My repentance is in losing trust in Him, not believing, not having hope nor faith. Shame on me. That much needed peace finally comes when I recognize my fault and direct myself back to His vision and plan for me. His love is real. He is all knowing. He will guide me. I can hold tight to that.
Know how I came to that realization of what I needed to do to find peace? (and this is true of other instances in the past) … I stopped in my traditional prayer and told Heavenly Father how I was feeling. “Heavenly Father, I am sad and don’t know why,” is what I told Him. Then I told Him that I wasn’t sure if I believed that I ever would get to where I want to go in the gospel and in life, that I was feeling defeated and hopeless. And that is when He reminds me of the times in the past where He provided me with feelings of hope. Different times where He comforted me came to mind.
We’ve been counseled to talk to Heavenly Father in prayer, really talk to Him, tell Him everything. As I open my wounded heart to my Heavenly Father, He can once again fill it with His saving love.
I am forever grateful!
