As I have looked back at my several years of marriage, I have found an overarching pattern of emotion. It’s everywhere in my journals and my memories. That is the pattern of confusion.
I could never connect the dots between what was said and what was done. They never matched and always left me confused. Here’s a simple example:
Often, when we were traveling, we would wait until everyone was starving to actually go eat. I get low blood sugar and my body starts spazzing when this happens. I would express that I NEEDED to eat quickly, so he would ask “Where do you want to eat?” I would respond with a suggestion (usually it was whatever was nearby) and we would drive there. Then we would almost pull into the parking lot when he would decide that he didn’t want to go there, so instead, we would continue to drive looking for somewhere he wanted to eat, usually changing his mind several times before he settled on something, sometimes an hour or more later. All the while, I am in full on sweats, shakes and on the verge of puking, it has gotten so bad for me. This happened all of the time.
Why did he ask where I wanted to eat if he wasn’t going to go there? … Confusing.
Why did he wait so long to provide me with food when he knew I was suffering? … Confusing.
Why did he do this over and over and over again for so many years? … Confusing.
As I move forward in my life, there is no bigger red flag than that of confusion.
I can’t express enough how grateful I am for the people in my life who provide me with stability.
My dad. He is stable. He is simply who he is, everyday, and I love him for it.
My mom. I know the ways in which I can rely on her any time in my life and I love her for it.
My sister. She can be abrasive at times, but she accepts me for who I am, the good and the bad, and I love her for it.
My Heavenly Father. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. His love for me never changes. His hand is stretched out still. I cling to the stability of his love. It was and continues to be my lifeline.
Forever grateful.
