Agency. A blessing? Or a curse? Lately, I have found myself surrounded by situations where others are making choices in their lives that I don’t agree with, but can’t do a single thing about. Choices where they choose a more difficult path than necessary. Choices where they choose to suffer more than they need. I see it in friends. I see it in kids, mine and others. I see it in family.
I want to help. I want to reach out and try to relieve the pain, to provide hope and happiness. I think I know how to. I think I know just what to do to make it help. And sometimes I even feel like maybe God wants me to, like maybe I am meant to? But then I step back from the situation and realize that agency is in play here. They are choosing this. They know how to relieve their suffering. They have been taught how, have been given all of the tools necessary, and at times, have even been inspired to do so. What more is there?!
So … I simply can’t help. I have to step away and allow them to choose. I have to step away and allow them to suffer.
I hate it. I hate every second of it. It hurts so much to watch someone you love choose to suffer. It makes me worried for them. I worry about their health. How much physically can you endure before your body becomes toxic from it and starts to break down?
I worry about the mental health side of it. The loneliness and isolation associated with it will take their toll emotionally and will take years to recover from. Plus, emotional and physical health are so closely related – an unhealthy mind/emotional state will eventually lead to an unhealthy body and vise versa. They are tied together.
I worry about their relationships. Suffering hurts. Pain causes anger. Anger gets projected into everyday communications (usually unsolicited). And people end up hating you for it. You become the mean jerk, which is sad, because really, this isn’t who you are. These people have good hearts, they are good people.
And I worry about the spiritual side of it. Like I said, suffering hurts and pain causes anger. A heart full of anger is a hard heart. A hard heart is one where the Spirit cannot exist. And without the Spirit, we can’t feel God’s love. And without God’s love, there is no hope, no happiness, no light. Eventually, we become numb.
The antidote for suffering is surrender. We have to choose to allow our hearts to be soft. We have to choose to allow ourselves to feel all of it, to feel everything and anything the Lord wants us to feel. We have to choose to endure everything and anything the Lord wants us to endure. We have to choose to take action in anyway the Lord inspires us to take action. We have to choose to give in to His will. We have to surrender.
It makes me think of two of my favorite scriptures: Doctrine and Covenants 122 where Joseph Smith is suffering in jail and Job. Job endures suffering of all kinds and continues to surrender to the Lord in it. In Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord vividly runs the prophet through many extremely difficult life scenarios then asks, “The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” What a gentle reprimand for us all. “Art thou greater than He?”
When I know I am at this point in my life, where I need to surrender, I do a mental/visual exercise that helps me go through the process.
First, I spend some time contemplating what exactly the root of my suffering is. Sometimes I can identify it, and sometimes I can’t. Either way is okay. And I make sure my heart is right, that I am in a place where I am ready and willing to be obedient – to endure whatever it is the Lord chooses for me to endure. Am I really willing to do that? If He wants me to hurt, am I willing to continue hurting? If he wants me to struggle at work, am I willing to do that? If He wants me to not have close friends right now, am I willing to keep my heart soft and open through that and endure that loneliness? Am I willing to experience all of it, any of it, and still love Him through it all? That is the question. Do I choose Him no matter what? When I can answer ‘yes’ to that, then I know I am ready.
Then I picture me putting the suffering on a serving platter. Physically, picking up the pile of suffering with both hands and placing it on this silver platter. Then I pick the platter up and walk it over to the Savior and lay it at His feet. I offer a prayer that usually includes an apology for my weakness and tearful, humble gratitude for His choice and willingness to suffer. And then I walk away, soft, open and ready to move forward in whatever way He sees fit.
This may seem like a silly visualization, but it helps me to realize that I really am handing it all over to the Lord. I am so grateful that He is there to take it from me time and time again. I am grateful for the hope I can have through Him. I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His choice to take upon Him my weaknesses and sins. I am forever grateful for His love.
