I have a million things in my head right now. I literally feel like my head is going to burst. I’m just going to throw them on here to get them out of my head:
First and foremost, I am a terrible mother. I miss my little kids so much right now and am dying inside to see them, but I forgot to call them tonight. Where are my priorities?! My weekend with them will be short because of softball tournaments that I coach and although I love coaching and working with those adorable girls, none of my own kids are on the teams and it is so ridiculously difficult to justify when it takes up my own kid time …
I feel so terrible and guilty! I keep telling myself, “let it go, Shaleah. You are not a terrible mother. Your kids still love you. They are fine.” And I’m sure they are fine, but I’m not. I miss them! I want to snuggle them and wrestle with them and cook them food and read to them. I am dying right now!
On top of that, I have taxes that need to be done still and trek registration and bills and I haven’t written in my kids journals for their birthdays still. And I haven’t written my family an email in a while. And I haven’t been very good at studying scriptures on my own lately.
I need to get my priorities straight. I have to get it figured out.
On the flip side of all of that … I went to the temple today. I told myself I was going to. I put it into my schedule. And I almost didn’t go. I found myself telling me I could go next week and that I should get some work done today instead. I made myself go. The entire time there, I waited to feel something. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel – I just felt like there was a reason I was there, a purpose.
Usually I take my own family names, but I ran out recently, so I picked up a name from my stake. At the very end, a temple worker I was near looked at the name I had, leaned in to me and said, “That is my grandson,” pointing to the name of the person who printed the card. “Thank you!” she added. So I had just performed ordinances for her family line.
That’s when it hit me, the feeling I was supposed to feel. That was why I was there, to get that name completed, to have that interaction with that lady.
I have to remember that God uses us. That He knows all. That I should follow what He has chosen and directed for me, and keep His commandments and trust in it all. If I can do that, all will be well.
