Not long ago, I found myself sitting in the passenger seat of my friend’s car deep in conversation with her. She was telling me of her recent conversion and commitment back to the Lord. She told me of meeting with her bishop and laying all of her sketchy past out in front on him. She told me of the future processes she would need to endure along her pathway back. She also told me of how hard it was to let go of the man she had attached herself to, even though she knew he was unhealthy for her. I remember explaining to her that the more she fills her life with the Lord, the more He will fill those holes she feels in her life, and eventually, she will be so full of the Spirit of the Lord, that she won’t have any space at all left for the other guy, for negative things. When your heart is full of love, there is no space left for hate or anger or guilt or loneliness or shame or anything that leaves holes in our lives.
As I knelt in prayer tonight, tears streaming down my cheeks, confused and struggling with letting go of things out of my control, I remembered those words I told her. Fill my life with the Savior. The more I do, the less I will feel my holes.
This makes perfect sense to me. The reasoning is sound. I feel like I am trying to do this all of the time, tho, and still have holes. I read scriptures, say prayers, keep a prayer in my heart throughout the day, find gratitude in just about everything, am genuinely happy. I listen to conference talks, read my patriarchal blessing, listen to audio books about the prophets and other gospel topics and yet, some days, I still feel the holes. Maybe they are there out of necessity? Maybe they are there to bring me to my knees? Maybe this is what is really meant by “hear Him?”
The other day I heard (I can’t remember if it was from a Sacrament meeting talk, or conference talk or an audio book or youtube?) someone saying how we are meant to ‘hear Him.’ How that has been so much of the prophet’s emphasis to us lately, and how it means exactly what it says, “Hear Him.”
In order to hear someone, you have to be listening. You have to be in tune. You have to invite them in. You have to want to hear. All of these mean that in order for us to hear Him, we must seek Him, and the best way to do that is to go directly to Him.
See, I search all over the place for things that will inspire me and help me keep a worthy focus and help me feel the Spirit, but when I need to hear Him, I must be on my knees, with a broken heart, at His feet; I must go directly to Him. Maybe the holes in my life are there to make sure I do just that? That I surrender myself directly to Him, finally ready to listen.
I’m not sure I will ever have all of the answers, but I’ll never stop seeking them.
Forever grateful!