Life is weird right now, and I just don’t know what to do about it. I’m not even sure how to explain it. I can’t figure out how to get it to slow down. “Busy is a mindset,” I keep telling myself. People feel your energy. If I feel rushed, my kids will feel that from me. Even tho I may be rushed, I don’t have to portray that energy. Still, tho, I sense my kids, especially my older kids, feeling there is not enough of me to go around.
It’s strange for me to be the parent trying to provide for 6 and allow them all available opportunities in life, yet having pep talks with my older daughters that say things like, “You need to slow down.” “You have your whole life ahead of you for hustling.” “This, right now, doesn’t matter like you think it does.” They both push themselves so hard. I love it and hate it all at once. Hustling is for advantage, for sure, but not at the compromise of one’s happiness. There might be moments of stress, but not a life of stress – that’s not okay. The happiness needs to be in the journey. If it’s not, then it’s not worth it. Once your happiness is compromised, your health is compromised. These girls are only 17 and 15, life should be fairly carefree and fun for them. They should be happy, for the most part, and enjoying life, for the most part.
On the flip side of things, 6 years old is the perfect age. I want to freeze Eddie; he is so adorable right now. I was leaving last night to go to Sidney’s soccer game and he’s at the door telling me “squishy loves mom!” as I head out. And like any concerned mother, I tell him, “don’t forget to brush your teeth!” “I will,” he says. And I say, “do it good, too.” “I’ve got this, Mom,” he reassures, “I’ll do my good circles!” He’s just the cutest!
I’ve lost a little hope in ever being married again. I am just not able to give what most men would require right now. Maybe in 15 years when I’m old and wrinkly and all my kids are grown up. Maybe then I can find a best friend to just chill with, laugh with, and grow in the gospel with. Maybe.
I start my master’s program in a week. I don’t know where I’m going to fit that in to life, but somehow I’m going to. I’ve always wanted to get a master’s degree. #nerdgoals Don’t know why, except that I always have, so I’m super excited about it, tho dreading the work.
Speaking of work … gotta go.
I miss my Heavenly Father. I love Him. I believe in Him, and I know He believes in me. It is terrifying and reassuring all at once, but He helps me to remember that We’ve got this!
Forever grateful.
